It takes more than one try

I’m home, well my old home, in WV for the week. It’s always great to see friends and family, but it is hard to keep up with good habits when I come back. Unfortunately for me these good habits are more than just trying to be healthier as I mentioned last time I stopped eating dairy because I believe it is the cause of increasing digestion and bathroom issues.

Since coming home I have had a few slips, aka I said to hell with it and ate whatever I wanted, and they were such bad choices. If you think you have a food sensitivity try giving it up for two weeks and then just throw that food back in a couple days; if you’re anything like me it will destroy you.

I’m still here obviously, but I’m firmly back on the train after all that. No food, even cheese, is worth feeling that bad. I’ve been here for three days now and haven’t managed to find the time or will power to work out, but since it was the weekend and I have been running around pretty non-stop I’m trying not to be too hard on myself and plan to get on it Monday.

On this journey of growing up, of moving away, and of trying(and failing lots) to be healthier one thing I have learned is that I am way too hard on myself and it often makes progress impossible. When I decide to eat better or get back to working out I always plan on going 150% and then when I mess up I feel like a failure and I feel like there is no reason to keep trying because I already failed.

This is the year that I am trying to learn to love myself enough to not beat myself up for being human. Hopefully this is the year that I learn not to let one slip up or lazy day ruin the whole process. I need it. I want it. And I (along with everyone) deserve it.

If this is you. Whatever journey you are on. Whatever improvements you are trying to make. Good luck. And you deserve what you’re trying to accomplish. You deserve the feeling of success. One step and One day at a time I hope you( and I) get there.

It takes more than one try

It’s been about a year…but I’m back

As I had mentioned in my last post things were starting to come together and I did end up moving back to my island. I also got married, bought a new house, and found a new job. I’ll be 27 this year and it feels like in the last 11 years I’ve lived a million different lives which brought good and bad things into my life.

Now that I’ve truly settled into a life that I confidently chose I am overcoming the constant fear of losing everything and the anxiety brought on from feeling the need to constantly have a plan for what was coming next. Having crawled out of the hole I created for myself I will be writing more, trying more, and hopefully finding little bits of happiness to share here.

Having said that here are some things I’m doing in 2018. At the end of 2017 my best friend and I started a podcast(Bumping Uglies) to help keep us connected now that I’ve moved away for good. Due to increasing stomach issues I’ve begun the journey of giving up dairy and remembering that I gave it up. My goal for 2018 is to leave dairy behind, do yoga at least 5 times a week, and cardio at least 3 times a week(separate from walking my dog and my job). Now that things have settled I am continuing to monitor what I eat and I’m feeling confident that this is the year that I’ll not only see big changes, but the year that the changes last. I’m planning to do a little bit of traveling as well which started with a trip to Chicago to see some good friends up on stage doing what they love and doing something they created.

Cheers to a better, more stable, and very positive year,


It’s been about a year…but I’m back

Oh, hello there…

It’s been quite a long time since I’ve visited my little blog and had the pleasure of reading others posts as well. 

Although my life has been a near constant source of big changes every time an unplanned change comes my way it really throws me for a loop and takes me months to get on an even keel again. 

I lost a job suddenly and for reasons I will never actually know. I moved home to West Virginia for the winter and while seeing more of my family has been nice the truth is I’m miserable in this little place I grew up, can’t wait to leave again.  I am in a constant state of planning and thinking days, weeks, months ahead. While I want to live every moment to the fullest I cannot just let things happen, cannot wait for the future to sneak upon me with some new unexpected change. 

All of this has put a halt to my writing, reading, and imagining. The past week I’ve started to feel like I’m getting a handle on things again. Been able to get myself back to jogging and being conscious about my food choices. 

I hate the gloominess of winter, preferring to spend my time outside the cold weather also puts a damper on my normal activities. Sometimes it even seems like the cold makes my dog feel gloomy. 

While I prefer to write about positive happenings and new adventures it does feel good to get all these months worth of feeling so tightly wound down on “paper”. 

Things are looking up it seems with the promise of moving back to my island and the promise of warm weather around the corner.

Oh, hello there…

So this is life

There was a time when I was surrounded. 

A time when I got off the bus everyday at my great grandparents house and they were the people I spent most of the time with in my life. 

A time when I spent every weekend at a family members house engulfed in endless laughter. 

A time when I spent everyday with friends helping each other learn who we were. 

A time when I lost myself to a man who broke me. 

A time when I was someone’s wife. 

I’m sure there was a time when I hadn’t felt the pain of losing someone though I don’t remember it. 

This is the time that I have moved eight times in six years with no end in sight. 

This is the time I travel and see the world changing jobs every six months. 

This is the time I never really have a place that feels like it’s mine. 

This is the first time I’ve never been surrounded. 

So this is life

Losing someone

Throughout my life I have lost several people I was very close with, but by far the worst for me was losing my dad three and a half years ago. 

Normally I try to write about what I’m doing with my health and what I’m learning but occasionally something else just eats at me and I have to put it out there. 

What got me thinking today was my Step mom’s Amazon account. I use hers when I buy things and as I was looking through the save for later part of the cart I noticed that even after all this time she hasn’t deleted the things my Dad had saved for later. 

Maybe it’s different if you get to know that someone is going to pass but as with pretty much everyone I’ve lost my Dad’s death was unexpected and quick. As a result I have felt unable to let go of anything I have of his. Feeling like if I do I might also lose the memories associated with those things. 

My Step mom though, she’s young enough to find someone else in her life and has made steps toward moving on. She’s completely redone their house and while there are still a few reminders of my dad for the most part he’s gone from there. I don’t blame her. It had to be hard coming to a home that was so thoroughly him. He filled any space with himself. While I know she will always love him I understand that she can find new love one day if she chooses. 

It’s just funny the small things that even she can’t bring herself to let go of. It’s almost like when someone dies so suddenly you feel like all of these things they left hanging should maybe just be left that way to keep a part of them with you. To remind you, to bring you a smile, or a cry. 

I have his old truck and while I’ve had to get some work done to keep it running I haven’t done a thing to the inside of it. I’ve had several offers from people working on it to clean it for me or replace the floor mats, but part of what I love about the truck is being able to see the way he left it. 

One day I’ll be able to change more things about it. One day I won’t need to have a vice grip on everything that was his. One day we will be okay with just memories and won’t feel the need to leave things the way he left them. 

Losing someone never gets any easier if you love deeply. I’ve had the privilege to have so many wonderful people in my life. Part of that privilege has been seeing those people go before me and having to learn to manage the pain that goes with missing them.  


Losing someone

In moderation

Everything in moderation.

I think most people have heard that phrase at some point in their life and for the most part it’s true, but like every rule there are exceptions.

If you have already reached your health, fitness, or weight goals then maybe it is okay to have a day here and there where you eat what you want and don’t think about it. However, if you are in the middle of getting healthier, getting in shape, or losing weight everything in moderation is not the phrase for you.

On my own journey I keep track of the food I eat in a effort to be conscious of what I’m putting into my body. I am learning that there are just some foods that aren’t filling enough to be worth eating right now. If you’re like me you won’t ever be able to forget it.

For example:
1 pizza roller from Pizza Hut has
220 calories
10 g of fat
24g carbs
1 g fiber
3g sugar
10g protein

2 boneless buffalo wings from Pizza Hut have
200 calories
9g fat
19 carbs
1g fiber
2g sugar
10g protein

Maybe that doesn’t seem so bad, but let’s just say you only eat those things from Pizza Hut and nothing more.
420 calories ( an entire meal or close to it for a woman trying to lose weight by counting calories)
19g fat ( Depending on your current weight that’s anywhere from more than half a day’s worth to way more than a day’s worth)
2g fiber
5g sugar
20g protein ( possibly one good thing, but this might be close to half a day’s protein or nearly a full day depending on your weight)

If you only ate these things it doesn’t seem so bad, except you will most likely be left unfulfilled because that’s not a meal. It’s a snack that has the caloric intake of a meal. You’ll be hungry again faster and more likely to overeat at your next meal, and if it’s a while in between maybe even a little hangry. Or maybe you realize that eating just those things isn’t cutting it so you eat more.
2 more wings and another roller and now you’re up to 840 calories. More than half a day’s worth of calories for someone trying to lose weight and almost half a day’s worth for the normal 2000 calorie day that nutritional information is based on.

Even if you eat good healthy other meals that day chances are you’ll still end up having way more than you should in a single day of one or all of these: calories, fat, sugar, carbs, and protein.

Having eaten this and more in a single sitting, and now holding myself accountable for what I decide to put in my body I know that this is something I don’t feel is worth eating right now. It’s not helping me get closer to my goals and having things like this, that admittedly hit that comfort food spot for me, makes it that much easier for me to say yes the next time. So for me not everything in moderation.

In moderation

Self destruction

In the past five years I’ve dealt with things I never thought I would have at this age or maybe ever.

I got engaged and called off a wedding because my fiancé had become abusive. I lost my Dad to a bacterial infection that would have been easy to treat for someone that didn’t have a heart defect. I got married and divorced because I couldn’t forgive my husband enough to work through his infidelity.

In September 2014 I moved across the country to start fresh in a place that didn’t have bad memories for me, a place where I could escape all of the negativity in my life.

I did find a place where the negativity I felt in my hometown couldn’t get to me, and I was able to get all of the people that were negatively influencing my life out of it. In the past few months though I’ve found myself questioning my own thoughts and comments and recently had a come to Jesus meeting with myself.

[There is a man in my apartment complex that details his Honda CR-V everyday. The first time I saw him at it I thought I really need to clean my car. The next time I thought didn’t I just see him do that yesterday. Several weeks later I saw him outside at his car and thought why does he do that it’s not even a really nice car.

I was listening to the radio and heard people talking about Beyoncé and Jay-Z’s baby Blue Ivy and I thought what a ridiculous name. ]

These two instances are small and I don’t even know these people, but I found myself thinking when did you become that person. When did you become the person who put down what other people choose for their life. Why aren’t you the person that says hey I should be more like that guy because he’s proud of something he worked for or having witnessed the joy and pride of parents to be when they decide on a name why don’t you wonder how they came up with that name?
There are no more excuses. You got rid of the things that you thought were negative in your life, so the only one to blame is yourself. Any negativity left around you is on you. Now it’s time to start changing who you are and rid yourself of the bad that you’ve allowed to become part of you.

Self destruction