On days where I have time to myself, days when I don’t have anything planned to keep me busy. When I have time to think and get inside my own head all the things I worry about close in.
I can feel myself giving up all hope that the plans I’ve made will work out like they are supposed to. This feeling isn’t completely unfounded as I have had many plans end up taking a turn for the worse throughout the last several years of my life.
I don’t bother trying to explain or discuss with anyone most times anymore because telling me to stop worrying or that it will all work out is the equivalent to telling me to stop talking. It’s not actual helpful advice or suggestions. It’s also not a confirmation from people involved in these plans that they are committed to helping them workout or that it matters to them one way or the other.
What I’ve learned is that people will be all for making plans with you when they have something easy to fall back on and it isn’t really a big deal if things don’t work out.
On days where I have time to think I fall down my own rabbit hole and lose the positivity I work so hard to gain the other days of my life.
It’s been quite a long time since I’ve visited my little blog and had the pleasure of reading others posts as well.
Although my life has been a near constant source of big changes every time an unplanned change comes my way it really throws me for a loop and takes me months to get on an even keel again.
I lost a job suddenly and for reasons I will never actually know. I moved home to West Virginia for the winter and while seeing more of my family has been nice the truth is I’m miserable in this little place I grew up, can’t wait to leave again. I am in a constant state of planning and thinking days, weeks, months ahead. While I want to live every moment to the fullest I cannot just let things happen, cannot wait for the future to sneak upon me with some new unexpected change.
All of this has put a halt to my writing, reading, and imagining. The past week I’ve started to feel like I’m getting a handle on things again. Been able to get myself back to jogging and being conscious about my food choices.
I hate the gloominess of winter, preferring to spend my time outside the cold weather also puts a damper on my normal activities. Sometimes it even seems like the cold makes my dog feel gloomy.
While I prefer to write about positive happenings and new adventures it does feel good to get all these months worth of feeling so tightly wound down on “paper”.
Things are looking up it seems with the promise of moving back to my island and the promise of warm weather around the corner.
We all go through life being told, especially as women, that we don’t need anyone. That we are strong and independent. That no matter our imperfections we should love ourselves and be confident in who we are.
But what do you do in those times when you feel weak or you feel lonely or unloved. When your life is changing so much in unexpected ways that you can’t find anything stable to hang on to?
The times when you can’t explain to your family and friends that even though they are literally there you still feel alone because your situation is so different from theirs. Times when it feels like you aren’t being included even though that isn’t the case.
When you have bills to pay and decisions to make and taking a break doesn’t feel like an option.
Do you try and ignore the feelings, pick yourself up and tell yourself it will pass? Do you acknowledge and validate the feelings, because despite reality feelings are real, and take the moments you have alone to really let yourself go and feel them?
There was a time when I was surrounded.
A time when I got off the bus everyday at my great grandparents house and they were the people I spent most of the time with in my life.
A time when I spent every weekend at a family members house engulfed in endless laughter.
A time when I spent everyday with friends helping each other learn who we were.
A time when I lost myself to a man who broke me.
A time when I was someone’s wife.
I’m sure there was a time when I hadn’t felt the pain of losing someone though I don’t remember it.
This is the time that I have moved eight times in six years with no end in sight.
This is the time I travel and see the world changing jobs every six months.
This is the time I never really have a place that feels like it’s mine.
This is the first time I’ve never been surrounded.
I’ve never been one to make resolutions on New Years because I know that just because it’s the start of a new year doesn’t mean that I’m all of a sudden going to change everything. So this year I’ve decided to make a list of wants for 2016.
When I moved from Houston to Ohio I began working a lot more hours and didn’t have a lot of time to myself due to my living situation. I sort of fell off of my own health wagon.
So number one on my list is working on my physical, mental, and spiritual health. Since probably 16 all of this things really began unraveling and I’ve started to get this feeling that the only way I’ll find happiness is to continually maintain and acknowledge that all three of these things are a necessity.
Throughout 2014 and 2015 I’ve noticed my increased addiction to social media. Spending more and more time checking Facebook, Instagram, vine, etc. I’ve noticed that instead of connecting with people and having real conversation I’m distracted and talk is becoming very superficial and dull.
Number two on my list for 2016 is limiting my time on social media sites and on my phone each day. Making more of an effort to really connect with my family and friends and stop being so distracted before any more time slips away.
In the interest of not dragging on forever I’ll keep my list to the top three. Lastly ever since my divorce in 2014 I have really been struggling to get my life back together and to find a place that feels right for me. I have been unhappy in jobs and relationships and continue to notice myself complaining about too much in life.
This issue brings me to number three on my list. In 2016 I plan to make myself list three good things happening in my life whenever I find myself complaining about something going badly.
I can honestly say that none of the past five years have felt like my best year yet or felt like they were better than the year before. Here is to making 2016 a more meaningful, full, and happy year.
I just wanted to take a minute to discuss online shopping.
I am one of those people who reads, researches, and is indecisive about an online purchase for a couple weeks before I will actually purchase something.
This is because I want to know what I am getting, I want to know what kind of experience and satisfaction the majority of customers have had with a store or product.
I am also one of those people that will be angry if I order something and what I receive is not up to the standard promised or it’s completely the wrong thing.
Recently I ordered from Frederick’s of Hollywood. I read reviews on the products and I went there to hopefully find a new alternative to shopping at Victoria Secret due to being severely disappointed with a change in quality after shopping there for 10 years or so.
I am NOT one of those people that gets upset if something is on back order or takes a bit longer processing or shipping than I thought it would. However, after one month of my order still being processed I decided to email customer service to see when I could expect a shipment. A week after that email I received a shipment notice for 1 of the items I ordered, but still no reply from customer service. Another week later I finally get a response telling me they are sorry only one item shipped but the others aren’t available to ship at this time AND that they have gone ahead and cancelled the rest of my order which I NEVER asked them to do.
I have never been so disappointed by an online store or by customer service.
I don’t work for an online store but customer service is a huge part of my job and the way to solving a customer complaint or problem is NEVER to decide for them how their problem should be fixed. If there is a delay let them know, communicate, and then ask them how they would like to proceed. Would they be okay waiting for their order or would they like to go ahead and cancel their order.
So beware of that store and please don’t be afraid to share experiences with others. Obviously not every experience will be or has been bad but for the researchers out there it could save them the disappointment they spend so much time trying to avoid!
I struggle constantly with my mind knowing I need to make a change and my will power failing over and over.
At least once a week I wake up and decide today is the day I’m going to commit to being healthier permanently and not look back. Today is the day I’m going to change my life and start making things happen for myself. Today is the day I start replacing anxiety with happiness.
And then life actually happens and it’s raining or I work early and then I use the tired excuse or I get frustrated with something and give up on the whole day.
How do we hold ourselves accountable for an extended period of time? How do we force ourselves to take something frustrating and use it as fuel to push ourselves to make the day that much better? How do we not let life get us so down that we just fall into a routine of don’t care?
One day soon I’m going to figure out how to make that happen for me. It’s so close I can feel it and when I get there I hope I’ll be able to pinpoint what the final straw was that gave me the push I was missing to take control of my life and my happiness.